OK, it's hardly parish news, but hey, they made me smile!
You know you should clean the outside of your computer every so often. However, did you know you're supposed to clean the inside of the screen too? Not may people know this or how to do it. So here's a complimentary cleaning tool - click here
If you get a text or
email from the World Health Organisation warning you to avoid eating tinned pork
due to the Swine Fever situation you should ignore it, as it is
SPAM!
Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'